24th March, Tuesday, 2015
9 o’clock in the morning, I was in the office, about to brew coffee to start my day as usual. Then, the news about airplane crash in the Southern French Alps shocked me. Another PLANE CRASH! 150 people on board! What is wrong with the world? I was booking my flight to China so I had to admit that the news scared me. I felt so low, then, I went to my friend, Dalal, wearing my sad face. I felt blessed that we had formed a habit to share our moments of up and downs, happy or sad, big or tiny. As always, we easily understood each other’s feeling and gained some energy from sharing.
So, after talking about the horrible accident and sharing the feeling of sympathies with those people on plane, I calmed down. Then, Dalal asked me whether I enjoyed the book she recommended. It opened a door for me to talk my recent reflection about how to perceive suffering. The book was called ‘the Forty Rules of Love’, written by a Turkish writer named Elif Shafak.
One stanza was about a beggar named Hasan, who went to listen to Rumi’s sermons. The sermon Rumi gave was about ‘what meaning could I, in my limitedness, possibly have for God?’ he said ‘…what brought us even closer to God was none other than suffering.’… Hasan at first liked what Rumi said of joy and sorrow as dependent on each other as bird’s wings. But he instantly raised a question that what Rumi knew about suffering. He thought Rumi was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, raised in distinguished circles, tutored by the best scholars, and always loved, pampered and admired. Indeed, Rumi was looked up to as a role model, spiritual leader and great enlightener who generated a significant positive change in the history of Islam.
I told Dalal that Hasan’s viewpoint reminded me of a conversation between me and a friend about my suffering. Last year, I was writing up my PhD thesis, in the meantime, many other things in life worked together which had a negative impact on my emotions. I was quite depressed (although it was considered to be normal among PhDs). I talked to the friend about my low emotional situation. He advised me not to think about it because I was lucky enough to have gained many things (wealth, fame, health), which many other people had not. I agreed politely, shut up my mouth to him and never talked any of my sufferings with him, being afraid of giving an impression that I was a person who was not grateful for what I had been given. However, the logic of forcing myself to think I was luckier than others did not fundamentally work out my emotions. I simply hided my depression, became quitter, faked to be optimistic in front of some friends and fell into a worse emotional situation.
What saved me from the negative thinking that I was not grateful and should not think about my sufferings was the story about Rumi. As remarkable and successful as he no doubt was, he had confided in his friend, Seyyid Burhaneddin, (he was also Rumi’s teacher, student, and disciple), that he felt inwardly dissatisfied. Seyyid was not shocked, laughed or looked down to Rumi to any extent. Rather, he suggested that he needed a companion and he even wrote a letter to Baba Zaman, hoping Baba could send a person (dervish) to meet Rumi in their spiritual journey.
I have not finished the book yet, but I believed that only because Rumi realized his dissatisfaction and shared with his friend, his emptiness in life was filled. So, as ordinary as I am, why could not I admit that I have dissatisfactions? Why should I gain peace of mind from comparing with other people? Who gave me the right to sympathise with people I know nothing about them? As one of the rules Shams of Tabriz said ‘every individual is self-sufficient in his search for the divine. We were all created in His image, and yet we were each created different and unique. No two people are alike. No two hearts beat to the same rhythm. If God had wanted everyone to be the same, He would have made it so. Therefore, disrespecting differences and imposing your thoughts on others is tantamount to disrespecting God’s holy scheme’.
Thanks, my lovely friend, Dalal, for sending this amazing story to my life. I am not a believer of a Creator yet, but the concept has had a great positive impact on me in this particular case. I will have it in mind as one of my rules: ‘ Be grateful for whatever I am given; Be brave to face sufferings in life; Be active to seek solutions; or be tough enough not to mind it. Be empathetic and respect others. BUT, DO NOT compare’.
I would love to hear your views, Dalal. Have a great day and if you do not mind, hope you can create a title for this first try.
Love
Shaohua
27th March 2015
My dearest Shaohua,
I enjoyed reading every word of your reflections and thoughts. When you came to my office the other day telling me Hasan’s story about Rumi that made you reflect on how people sometimes reply to your problems. The first thing came to my mind “woow they think the same way in China as well”.
In my case, it is very usual to hear from others when you are complaining about something in your life “ remember others who are less fortunate” They even sometimes take it further by saying “stop complaining or God will take his blessings from you”, or they will reply very fast “Say Alhamdullelah (Thank you God) and stop complaining” .
This leaves you with the feeling of guilt of that you might be un-grateful to God, or that you are being spoiled of moaning while you have loads of blessings. It also acts like a Panadol that eases the pain but doesn’t treat the illness. So you still have your unsolved problems but plus the feeling of not wanting to share them anymore.
Reading Romi’s story of how his friend really understood what he was going through and suggested a solution (having a companion) made us realise how much we need this kind of support. It is a blessing to have someone that will listen without judging, and give an advice that can actually solve problems.
I like how you also connected it with the notion of comparison. How can I know that I am living a happier life than anyone? Yes we all know that having your love ones safe and healthy is the biggest blessing. But we also know that a lot of people through their hard times and illness they discovered what life really is, they started enjoying and appreciating every day in life.
Of course there are people who are living very hard life either because of war, poverty, death, illness, lack of love and caring. But we are not supposed to put them as examples to remember every time we feel down, to boost our mood that Thank God we are not them. We need to get closer to them, feel what they are feeling and bridge the gap, AND stop comparing ourselves with anyone.
Take care Shaohua and keep reflecting.. I am enjoying it
Love
Dalal
April in Manchester.. Love these pink flowers that only appear this time of the year
The forty rules 